Christ was not the center of our household when I was growing up. As a child, I was completely ignorant about the existence of God and the fact that He has a purpose for my  life.  My family was very poor, in more ways than one.  We were actually homeless at one point, which is how we ended up living in Louisiana but we were never without a roof over our heads or food to eat. I was entirely vulnerable, allowing many of life’s circumstances and situations to eventually shape me into a very angry and hateful person. 

School was always hard for me. I not only had a lot of difficulty with learning, but it was also the place where I experienced years of rejection and bullying.  My  Kindergarten teacher told my mother that I had a difficult time with puzzles. In third grade, the class had to take turns reading out loud. When it was my turn, I mispronounced a word  and the teacher laughed out loud and  repeated the way I pronounced the word incorrectly with a mocking tone. I was so humiliated! From that moment on I never wanted to say anything out loud in front of a group of people again. I couldn’t be called on in the classroom without being scared of saying something wrong and even worse, I was unable to participate in skits or plays  on a platform without being completely petrified. I continually struggled with every subject  except for Art and Science and ended up dropping out of high school after 10th grade.

I was raised in the church. My father was an associate  pastor throughout my childhood and once he retired from his secular job he accepted a full pastoral position at an Assembly of God church.

So I was exposed to the Word in Sunday School and in services of all kinds continually, but I wrestled with confusion caused by the “traditional Sunday School stories” that didn’t always line up with the scriptures they were “derived” from, and especially the mixed communication I received about “God’s sovereignty”.  For instance, my mother died when I was a toddler, and eventually I began asking why it happened. My father or sisters would reply with something to the effect of “Well, we just can’t understand God’s will.” (They were hurt due to the loss as well, and had their own confusions), or when a natural disaster would devastate a place you could hear many people associated with churches or ministries comment something along the lines of “That’s God’s wrath against them for being sinners.” When a natural disaster would strike a church or kill some Christian families, then that was “satan attacking” – so they would attribute obviously bad things to both satan and our GOOD Father God.  The worst was the popular ambiguous expression “Everything happens for a reason” – which is of course technically true, just that the reason is often we were foolish and not obeying Christ’s Word or heeding the Holy Spirit’s warnings.

My testimony begins from the moment my mother found out she was pregnant.

She  was already a  single mother of two young boys when she met my father and became pregnant with me. She loved me from the very  moment she found out she was pregnant but my dad revealed he already had a wife who was also pregnant, so he left my mom. Since this would leave her providing for three children alone, some people told her that she should have an abortion but she decided to bring me into the world anyway.

When I was three years old, my mother decided to attend a church nearby which started to bring  a change to our lives. I was getting to know the Lord and learn His word. I loved music; in time I learned to play many instruments and above all I enjoyed singing for God. Despite this change, a little over a year later, one of my older brothers began to sexually abuse me but that turned to severe beatings when I was older.